“Start leaving what you’re going to leave” – those words from Danielle La Porte from months ago are still working on me. It’s been a slow bloom for me although it resonated deeply upon first reading.
Start leaving… that part really hit home. I felt empowered to take that first step of leaving even as I felt my body holding on, tightening up. One reason that it resonated so deeply with me is that I knew her message was truth. And, I also knew that I had been holding on too long. And, all that holding on and tending was costing me. I needed to start leaving some memories behind – let them live in the past where they belong and let me live in the present. My wondering about what I could have done differently and what lesson I could glean from these experiences and the constant turning over and over of those memories and looking at them from every angle was frankly exhausting! So, why wasn’t I taking that next step and leaving?
Fear. I have been afraid to leave these memories behind. Afraid I didn’t learn the lesson. Afraid that all the messy, beautiful would fade and then what? For me, fear often finds its’ way into the new growth of my learning. Fear winds its’ way into my dreams and my daily life practice. It shows up as anxiety, a stomach ache, a restless body. And, when this happens – I’m learning (meaning I am still very much practicing) to listen to my body – to slow down, to check in. Fear is a messenger inviting me to check in, assess the situation – am I safe? Am I on the right course? What might I do differently?
I write about my fear. I ask questions of it. I separate it into parts – parts that feel more manageable and then I breathe into them. I walk forward to the edge of the fear and I see that the other side is there and waiting for me! All that is on the other side of fear is waiting for me – beckoning me to come. And, so I begin that walk toward the other side of these memories – a more comfortable distance. I might get hung up as I am leaving – I may face more fear and yet that call from the other side is getting louder and louder.