Move forward – even if it’s messy.

I am hard on myself – too hard on myself. I always have been: crazy high expectations for every aspect of my life – no balls dropped, flat out do-it-all-or-else energy coursing through my body, mind, heart. And, if I didn’t do it all – well that was not acceptable for me. So, I would beat myself up for not being able to do it all. Work harder, push, get up earlier, push, take some time from my “re-charge” time, push, take more time, beat self up, take all the self-care time (because that’s not important) – repeat, repeat, repeat. What a vicious cycle of unattainable expectations, half-assing the task and then self-hate. Ugh. Have you done that? Do you do that? I have and I do.

I want out of that cycle. I want to free myself from the anger of never getting it all done (and so not being good enough) I want to free myself from the belief that doing more is better. I want to free myself from the trap of my self-worth being a result of my work life.

Being hard on my self keeps me in the place of never being okay with being fully human – because that comes with mistakes and sadness and anger and joy and messy stuff. Being hard on myself means that I forge ahead without stopping for a minute to acknowledge that a remark was hurtful, a consequence painful, a conversation joyful, a connection left hanging…Not taking the time to turn off the “hard-on-myself” button so that I can slow down and feel these things – means that I miss out on life – my life – and it is happening while I am doing all of this beating up and forging ahead!

I am figuring out how to slow down, how to not mind the mess in my house (not too much) and how to accept that I am human and worthy right now of love just for being alive. I am not all the way there – this will be a process – and I want to keep putting the process out there – in all its’ sloppiness – because I am moving forward.