One of the more difficult aspects of aligning my inner and outer worlds is finding my voice. Although, I don’t just mean finding my voice, I also mean using it. The messages that I let in growing up as a girl in the Midwest were the ones about being pretty, about not rocking the boat, about getting along with everyone. I am the first born of three girls-I had a strong drive to not get into trouble, to not disappoint my family or my teachers, etc.
This is a habit that I have practiced long and well. I have even normalized it by saying that I am just really easy-going. If I am really transparent with you and myself, I can let you in on the the not-so-well-kept secret-this is killing me. By hiding behind a certain way of speaking that allows me to advance in the ways that I want and to communicate fairly well-I am not true to myself. I am not engaging in the messy communication that life insists upon. And, I love messy! So, why don’t I do it?
In all honesty, I believe that I am afraid. Afraid of what people will think of me; afraid of not being accepted; afraid of hurting others; possibly even afraid of being myself. This is an old pattern. And, what feels different now is that I actually feel like I am making myself sick-physically ill- with this incongruity. And, angry. I can feel the boiling turmoil in my heart-my true compass. Without, a clear pathway-how will I make my dreams come true?
So, I am saying out loud that I am committing to speaking out, speaking truth, speaking my heart’s desires in all ways. Come what may.